I was fine in a group. All of my friends hanging out. Of course my attention was on most the person that I was talking to least. The guy sitting next to me was adorable and had stolen my heart the first time we met. Of course, every time I opened my mouth around him I ended up regretting the words that came out.
But now the night was coming to an end. My friends were all heading in separate ways and my crush offered to walk me to my car. Inside, I was thrilled. He knew I existed! He was being nice to me! But then the panic sat in. We were going to be alone! My friends were leaving us alone! They were my safety net and they were leaving me alone with the one person that I actually wanted to be alone with. How dare they?!
As we started to walk to the car, I repeated my mantra over and over in my head. “Don’t be awkward. Don’t be awkward.” My one desire in that moment was to not embarrass myself in those few minutes between the restaurant and my car. Just don’t say anything stupid! Why can’t I just have a normal conversation with this guy?
The truth struck me. The more I cared, the harder it is to not be awkward. I couldn’t just admit that I liked him. I have enjoyed getting to know him too much. I don’t want to lose him as a friend. I don’t even know if they guy is straight. I don’t want to do something to ruin the friendship that we were slowly building by adding an element that I can’t even follow through with.
So I stand on the precipice between admitting my feelings and what I really actually wanted. Stupid feelings.
No comments:
Post a Comment